Ryan

Even as I attempt to formulate words to describe how I am feeling right now, my mind remains empty. Oh, it's thinking of things to be sure, but there are just a range of emotions that I have regarding my brother. Though I still have trouble articulating the words in my heart, I was blessed to have watched a few home movies with my family tonight to remind me just what my little brother was like. More importantly, it really helped me to see what Ryan meant to me even if no audible words were coming out. Ryan was only 22 years of age, a baby, in the prime of his life. He went through nearly a three year battle with cancer and yet through everything he experienced, the same boy that I watched in those videos was exactly what I remember most about Ryan; his love for life. I can still remember as a young child, Ryan constantly irritating me to no end. Whether it was him chasing me around the house with a finger dripping with "boogies" or his burping, or if Ryan and I were talking about something that happened in my life that was traumatic, Ryan always lived with the perspective that life is too short to stress about things. In my embarassment, I saw how much of a pill I was in the home movies -- even in the middle of opening Christmas presents -- but then I saw Ryan having fun, living carefree. He had his "moody" days, to be sure as we all do, but what he wanted me to do was live with a childlike spirit. A spirit that said, "lighten up." I could talk about how me and Ryan drifted apart the last few years, but that's not important to me. I definitely wish I would've had more time with him, but now the question is, what do I do now that he is with the Lord? Do I regret on decisions I have made in the past or do I take what he was trying to show me from the day he was born -- chill out, lighten up, learn from your mistakes and move on? I choose to heed the advice and let that spirit live on through me. Thank you God for the 22 years that my brother was on this earth. Thank you for the impact he made and the lives that he touched. Thank you that I got to be close to him. Ryan, I love you man and I will miss you. Thanks for the laughs and the love baby brother. I will see you again someday. Until then, I praise God that you are no longer in pain and that you've met Jesus face-to-face.